What I learned through Dengue

I have had to watch my sweet 2 1/2 year old child go from a busy, fun, excited and silly little boy to a child who can't even stand on his own. Who lays all day and tells me how bad he is hurting. Who says, "mama, I just don't feel good" throughout the day and I feel as if my heart is breaking in two. When we have to get blood drawn and he prays that God will give him strength, my tears fight to remain inside my eyes and not come pouring down my face. When he looks at me and says, "I really hurt mommy," my whole body aches right along with him. When I see pain in his eyes, my whole body feels this pain too. I physically hurt with him. I can't eat, I don't want to sleep, I just feel as if my own body is broken right along side of his. This is Dengue and this has been our week. I have remained in a state of constant prayer for healing, for comfort, for peace, for grace, for mercy….I have remained in a constant state of connection with the Lord. I have remained….. because my child is sick and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Tonight as I tried to explain this to my husband who loves our boys equally, but who cannot completely understand this strange thing that connects a child and a mama….I went to bed in conversation with the Lord…What do you want to teach me? Have I learned it yet? And then I realized something... something I have wanted to understand for a long time… when I fast, I do it out of discipline but I have always wanted to do it out of brokenness for the lost…that my heart breaks so much I just can't stand the thought of eating…I've never been broken in this way…until now. The pain I witness is enough to cause hunger to be the last thing I think about or care about. I don't want to eat because my heart is broken. And now with total humility and brokenness I realize that I have never truly felt this way about the people I am here to share the Lord with, to give my life to. I have felt brokenness over the lost. I have felt sad, disheartened, and even brokenhearted…but never despair to the point where I had no desire for food. Oh, God forgive me!!!! Forgive my selfish heart, my sin. Forgive the fact that I don't have your heart. Lord, please heal MY broken heart and cause it to break for the things that matter the most…the souls of the millions who have never heard of your grace, your love, your glory.