What I learned through Dengue

I have had to watch my sweet 2 1/2 year old child go from a busy, fun, excited and silly little boy to a child who can't even stand on his own. Who lays all day and tells me how bad he is hurting. Who says, "mama, I just don't feel good" throughout the day and I feel as if my heart is breaking in two. When we have to get blood drawn and he prays that God will give him strength, my tears fight to remain inside my eyes and not come pouring down my face. When he looks at me and says, "I really hurt mommy," my whole body aches right along with him. When I see pain in his eyes, my whole body feels this pain too. I physically hurt with him. I can't eat, I don't want to sleep, I just feel as if my own body is broken right along side of his. This is Dengue and this has been our week. I have remained in a state of constant prayer for healing, for comfort, for peace, for grace, for mercy….I have remained in a constant state of connection with the Lord. I have remained….. because my child is sick and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Tonight as I tried to explain this to my husband who loves our boys equally, but who cannot completely understand this strange thing that connects a child and a mama….I went to bed in conversation with the Lord…What do you want to teach me? Have I learned it yet? And then I realized something... something I have wanted to understand for a long time… when I fast, I do it out of discipline but I have always wanted to do it out of brokenness for the lost…that my heart breaks so much I just can't stand the thought of eating…I've never been broken in this way…until now. The pain I witness is enough to cause hunger to be the last thing I think about or care about. I don't want to eat because my heart is broken. And now with total humility and brokenness I realize that I have never truly felt this way about the people I am here to share the Lord with, to give my life to. I have felt brokenness over the lost. I have felt sad, disheartened, and even brokenhearted…but never despair to the point where I had no desire for food. Oh, God forgive me!!!! Forgive my selfish heart, my sin. Forgive the fact that I don't have your heart. Lord, please heal MY broken heart and cause it to break for the things that matter the most…the souls of the millions who have never heard of your grace, your love, your glory. 

To the Ends of the Earth

Few can truly understand what the ends of the earth really look like. We hear that phrase a lot and probably have some sort of picture in our minds of what that may be....but there are many times where I truly believe I have experienced this first hand! In fact, we always say if there is a major terrorist attack where we live, we know places we could go and disappear for the rest of our lives! When we thought of coming overseas almost 5 years ago, we pictured ourselves in those areas. We were right! Though we don't live in these areas, we get to travel for weeks at a time into these areas and it never fails to take our breath away. That we have the opportunities to go across the world, then hrs. into the middle of no where to meet a family that has never heard or experienced the love of the Creator...it brings me to tears. No greater joy, no greater joy in all the world than to bring the love of the Giver of Life to those who had no idea that love even existed.

Raising Kids Overseas

We came overseas alone. We knew we were called to be here and we had to be faithful to that. We didn't picture our life with kids. We didn't have any intentions on having kids any time soon so they really didn't play a factor in any decision we made. Now we have 2 precious little men in our lives with a passion for more and it takes me to a new reality: life looks a lot different now! Now I have to think about them in every way...so I've decided to write 10 ways life overseas looks so different with them.

1) Before kids, Levi and I were still seen as children ourselves. Now, we have respect and the ability to speak into way more situations than we ever did before. It is as if children gave us instant wisdom! (I honestly feel that children has taken 50% of my brain cells instead of adding to them!)

2) When we left for the village, we packed all of our needs for a MONTH in 2 backpacks. Now we are lucky to get out the door with 5 bags!

3) We struggled at times to get people to open their doors to meet us before kids. Everyone seemed very cautious. Now we walk into an area and have to fight off the mobs that surround us to meet our fair skinned, blue eyed, light haired kids!

4) Before kids, we could live out in the middle of no where for weeks and never feel a longing for home. Now, after 3 days of the kids waking up all night, getting eaten with misquitos, and having no space we are desperate to get home again!

5) I never thought about running out the door to pick up an item I needed to cook with. Now, it takes at least 15 minutes to get everyone dressed, shoes on, and get everyone on board to go for a walk. After getting the item, I have to hold it, hold a child, while holding hands with another one to make sure we all make it safe on our road back home. Overall, a trip that took less than 5 minutes now takes a good hour!

6) sleep...well, we all know how that has changed! ;)

7) Before kids, I wanted the airline that had the best movies for the 16 or more hr. flight back to the U.S. Now I look for the airline with the most patient stewardesses!

8) I was very good at language before kids. I feel that I have regressed leaps and bounds because I only think in simple phrases and words now.

9) Before kids, I never had to wrestle with the idea that being overseas could be selfish. Now I wrestle with it all the time. Just surrendering to the Lord all that I know my kids are missing out on and remembering what is most important.

10) Before kids, I had no idea what I was missing and no true desire for that lifestyle. Now our lives are fuller, richer, more complex and difficult at times, but worth every second of it. Having kids is so wildly amazing, so humbling and so challenging. It makes us more dependent on the L*rd and truly makes me so much better as a person.


I know there are so many more ways life looks different, but maybe they will come in another post! ;)

Easter Pictures

Two boys are not the easiest to corral into taking pictures, but we did our best (with the help of some M&M's for bribery!) 

The pic above may be my favorite of all!

Can't you just feel the love? :)

Yes, this mama takes off the "nice clothes" as soon as I can!

 I have learned that they can get ruined in a split second!

Our New Pet Bunnies

We wanted a pet that would not run away, would be quiet, would travel easily, could easily be fed, and that others would want. We drove 8 hrs. to Delhi, and returned with 2 sweet bunnies! We love them so much! Wyatt is so sweet with them, Tate is so rough!

 Wyatt loves taking care of the bunnies. He feeds them, and helps me clean up after them!

 They are so sweet and easy to take care of!

Tate can't leave the bunnies alone. He keeps sticking out his finger and today he finally got bit! Hopefully soon it will teach him to leave those poor bunnies alone!

Tate cries when I take him away from the bunnies.

This is just one more example of how rough Tate is with our poor bunny!

This little light of mine

I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE!!! I sing this with the boys at night and though many times I feel as if our light is very dim amidst all this darkness, I am convinced that "a city on a hill cannot be hidden". 

Just about the boys

Wyatt is now way 2 and 2 months and he always blows my mind! He loves to count to 10, knows simples shapes like circle, square, triangle, heart, and stars. He can't figure out colors and asks me about colors all the time. He also can't get letters yet so in every book we read, he wants to know the word, but also the letters of the word...needless to say our reading time gets old to mommy real quick! He's really into flipping these days and loves to try to roll on his head. He is crazy about people and thinks that everyone should be crazy about him as well. When he sees anyone, even if they are miles away, he yells hello to them in Hindi. If they say hello back he says, tk? which means "are you ok?" and they say, "tk. Ap tk?" and he bobbles his head and replies, "tk." When our helper leaves he says, "phir milinge" which means, "see you later." He normally says thank you and if you tell him thank you he will reply, "you welcome". He spends lots of time with me doing art projects, cooking, ect. He loves to help. Before we go for a nap or to bed at night we clean up all of our toys and he loves to do it. He Hates to sleep (always has). He's always afraid he is missing something and as soon as he wakes up he says, "I sleep all night mama". He loves Tate with all his heart and has taken his big brother role seriously. He bosses that poor baby around worse than anyone else! He wants to feed Tate, to hold Tate, to get Tate up in the morning, to sing Tate songs, read him books, and to kiss all over Tate all the time. Sometimes we will look up and see them sitting on the floor hugging. It is awesome!

Tate is such a mess! He is shyer towards people, but seems to be much more loyal. It takes him a minute or two to warm up. He still loves to be held and only likes one book in our house right now. It is about animals at the farm. He loves balls and loves to hit balls with sticks, hammers, ect. He laughs all the time at nothing! He has the ability to make me laugh so hard I cry. He still likes to hold things and walk, but is moving all the time. He no longer likes to cuddle or sit for very long. But he surprises you with these random moments throughout the day where all the wants to do is hug you and kiss you. It won't last long, but it happens and makes your day. He is very happy and loves Wyatt. His whole face lights up when Wyatt walks into the room. Tate loves to eat...anything, anytime, anywhere. He has no problem eating until he spits it all up. If he is having a bad day, just feed him and it will get a whole lot better. He still cries loud enough to wake up the mountain when he gets upset, but that is not too often. He gets mad and scrunches up his little face when he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it. He is so much fun to be around.

These boys are showing so many different qualities already, but so many that are alike. I see Levi shining through both of them so much it scares me sometimes! It is as if he created two little mini me's and I was just the deliverer! Blows me away!

His Light in Darkness

We are living in a VERY Dark area and there have been many times that I have been overwhelmed, but I have never really felt depressed here...until we returned from our quick surprise trip back to the US to surprise our families. Last time we were home, I was having a baby, and then dealing with a colicky newborn for 3 months so I really didn't think too much about myself, my needs, desires, ect. This time, I found myself longing to have good talks with girlfriends, I wanted to go shopping, I wanted to be selfish and drive wherever I wanted to go. When we returned from the states, I started reading our newspaper that we get here. The crimes against women are so frustrating and then my Indian friends and I have been talking about all the bad things that have happened to us here....it is overwhelming at times.

I have always loved people. Trusted them, believed the best...until now. It is a matter of protection here. If you are a woman, you dress in long shirts and baggy pants to go places, you don't look at men, you never stop to chat, and you NEVER go alone. I think the freedom I had in America really killed me this time. Before kids, Levi and I did everything or I could easily run around with all the American girls that were here.  Now I've got two little ones and life has changed a lot. Most would say that it is the weather. Because of the bad winter, I'm unable to get out and meet people where I live. This will last until the end of Febuary.

I have been feeling so lonely, so trapped, so bogged down with the lostness in those who come to my house every day and stay for hours. Why can't they understand the truth, the way? For the first time in my life, I was beginning to feel some weird form of depression....

THEN...we had several random visitors in a row...most were men, but one of the men decided to come back with his family. His wife and two boys. They live in a village that is not easy to live in and they are awesome. His wife was sent by the Lord to speak to me. To remind me why we are here. To show me His truth and His freedom. That night we stayed up to the wee hours as I poured out my brokenness  in a different language to a friend I had never met, who hardly spoke English... that night she listened, loved me, and we spoke to the Father together. I've never needed a girlfriend like I did that night. He sent her just for me. As they spoke of all that He is doing in their village, in that area of the state, I remembered that He is moving...despite my frustration, my hardships....He is alive and I can trust Him to always provide....even if it is not exactly how I thought!

What a day in my life looks like

Well, this may be the #1 question I get while in America..."What does a day in your life look like?"

The truth is, the answer to this is always changing because my life is fluid...meaning it is NEVER the same. I enjoy a little structure here and there, so I try to set up some routine but we travel at least 10 days out of the month...so that makes life crazy...but while we are at home (we as in the boys and I) this is what my day looks like:

6am- everyone wakes up
6-8- diapers are changed, breakfast is eaten, the garbage guy comes by and asks for all our garbage, the newspaper guy comes and delivers our paper, and we play
8-10- Levi's office hours (if he is at home) This is when he goes into our bedroom and has time with the Lord and works on work stuff
8-9- we play in the play room
9-Tate goes to sleep and Wyatt and I do crafts, read books and sing new songs
10- Levi normally leaves to do what needs to be done and Rupa (my house helper) comes over and starts washing dishes and cleaning our floors (I know, biggest blessing of my life!) Wyatt and I play for another hour (sometimes this play involves laundry, cleaning the house, ect.) and most days our neighbors come over around this time
11-Tate wakes up and we all play with our  neighbors, go outside, play in the playroom, ect.
12-we eat between 12 and 2
2-Nap time for Wyatt and Tate
4-Time to get outside and take a walk
6-we try to eat around this time, then we read books, sing songs, say our verses, and pray together before bed
7-Bedtime for both the boys!
7-9-my quiet time and office time
9-10 or 11- Levi and I get to hang out

Well, there you have it! This is an organized typical day of my life...What I can't write down is the daily unexpected visits where I drop all plans and serve a random guest, the long visits we have with shopkeepers on our daily walks where we sit, eat a snack and fellowship, the fact that we are NEVER alone as a family for a whole day...almost NEVER! ;)

I have always been one to really desire the unexpected, and living overseas meets that desire in EVERY way! I love the fact that my day never looks like the day before, that I plan my life out only to have it change every time, that I am always entertained by simple things such as taking walks because something random always happens!  Although it can be frustrating, it is so beautiful and so much fun! I can't imagine leaving this life (the life we have known for 4 out of our 5 years of marriage) and returning to a life where there are very few variables. Perhaps it would be refreshing, but also a little boring! ;)

Our surprise trip home

Because we left America in June, we were unsure if our return so soon was a good idea. We felt like we were letting down our friends here by not participating in Christmas activities, but we took the plunge and didn't look back...I must say it was worth every dime spent, lack of sleep, and weeks of sickness that came with the 4 weeks in America. When we went home for 6 months to have Tate, our life was a whirlwind and I felt as if I missed so many moments. I spent the whole time back living life as if I had never left. I was too exhausted to have hard conversations about my new life, the ways I have changed, or even different perspectives. No one asked about life in India, and I was ok with that. This time, things were different. I found myself longing to share, but unsure of how to do so. I didn't want to, but I do feel that I dominated conversations with family in an effort to cram 4 years of my life into 4 weeks of time....desperately trying to be sensitive, yet understood. Trying to love, yet be truthful about the things I struggle with in America and I found myself exhausted, yet in many ways finally able to express so many emotions, feelings, and ideas that have been trapped inside for years now. 

A friend told me about a blog she read where someone said, "If America is blue and South Asia is yellow, then I am green." The lady didn't fit in America anymore, but would never truly fit in South Asia so she always found herself hanging in the middle. This is me. I am green!

A few pics from our trip to the states

 It was an exhausting trip! This is a pic of the boys asleep in the airport at Detroit. Took a long time to get home and it was probably the hardest so far just because of the ages of the boys.

 These moments were worth it all. This is the kids from Lindsey's side eating together at Mo and Pop's house.(Lindsey's mom and dad)

 This is at Nana and Dede's house (Levi's mom and dad)

These are the lights that our cousins always put up. Something we miss so much in India!