There are so many times I wish I could paint a picture of life here. The smells of masala and curry that seep into my bedroom windows at 8am, 2pm, and 9pm at night. The noise of monkeys pounding on the tin roof, men yelling up and down the road that they have a new rug for me to buy or a new blanket to try, huge buses trying to squeeze up a road that is made for tiny cars and has no guard rails...the sights of beauty mixed with poverty...children who run around in the freezing cold with no shoes and women carrying babies on their back who are only wearing thin cotton outfits...
Overwhelming and after a few years one's body hits a protection mode of sorts and begins to become hardened to the noise, the smells, the sights of India. This is the only way to survive. So daily I have to go before the Father and ask for an examination of my heart....Do I still have compassion? Is my love still strong? Is Christ's love what shines through me or have I somehow lost his voice in the noise of life here? Do I still hear the whisper? Do I still want to?
We went home to America for Christmas and returned to a sweet place spiritually in our lives...a place of intimacy that we have struggled with for a while. We were in a place in our walks with the Lord where we just "didn't feel right". Levi's sweet place started in August when he just kept saying, "I feel the Lord speaking to me again." I was not there yet. My quiet times were still dry. I was reading the bible and applying every quiet time to my Indian sisters, my children, my neighbors...but never allowing God's word and God's spirit to penetrate the wall I was building around my heart. I started seeing this wall right before we left to go home.
As I said goodbye to one of my closest friends here who I did life with everyday, I realized that though I was in so much pain, my heart no longer hurt as goodbyes did my first year here. Goodbyes are so normal here...Every close friend I have had on this side of the world has left. Every one. I am from small town Mississippi where no one leaves and goodbyes are NOT normal for me so this is one area that affected me in deeper ways than I understood. I didn't see the walls I put up to protect myself from the hurt. I didn't see the wall I had put up in my walk with Christ. The feelings of pain, of hurt, of distrust...I was an empty well because of deep hurt and loneliness that I had covered for so long. I didn't have anyone to talk with about this. How can my family and my best friends in America understand such a life? So I just covered it and allowed it to hurt me deeper than I realized. After saying goodbye and realizing the hardness of heart, I started going before the Lord and pouring myself out. Years of hurt, of pain and issues came to the alter as walls began to fall. Healing...sweet healing is taking place...accompanied with a realization that this world is not my home, but my heart was created tender and that is where it must be for me to be whole. If my heart becomes too hard, I lose myself so I must depend on the Lord for healing every time...every time.
It is all about Him right? When we sit in that place of "something is just not right" in our walk with Christ, we must stop as soon as it happens...if not, years will past and so much time wasted without that intimate walk with the Lord. May our life be full because of Christ.
Our Family
Showing posts with label overseas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overseas. Show all posts
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Monday, July 14, 2014
Sweet Times
It has been over 5 years. Almost hard to believe. Wyatt is 3 1/2 and Tate 2 1/2. And we are living it up! I did enjoy the baby stage A LOT more than I thought I would, but our dreams for a future of camp outs, hiking as a family, and actually being able to hang out without having to worry about naps, ect. will soon come (in a couple more years)! We are able to see fruit we have been longing for. Levi is thriving and that always makes things a lot more fun! So today I wanted to just reflect...on all that He has done...How we have changed since we have been in India
*Before India, neither of us cooked. In fact, after realizing we HATED Indian food we had no means of survival! Our first few weeks we ate nothing but eggs and grilled cheese! Then a team came out with some amazing men who could cook and they taught us a few tricks. Now we cook all the time and really enjoy it! Never thought that would happen!
*Before India, I was "Miss Independent". (I still workout to all those power girl songs!) I was proud of the fact that I was not going to have kids and be a "stay at home mom". Then we got pregnant, and our first little man came into the world and turned mine upside down. After a couple of years of brokenness and fighting for Joy in this role that I never desired, I am different. I am thankful that the Lord is enough to change our hearts, our pride, and our purpose (not that my only purpose is raising the boys, but it is a purpose I find Joy in!)
*Before India, Levi and I lived a very busy and divided life. We spent lots of time doing what we as individuals enjoyed. (he would hunt and fish, I would hang out with friends and my family) Now we do all our fun things together and that is pretty awesome
*Before India, I had never really been afraid, I trusted everyone, I laughed all the time.This has changed for the worse, I suppose. I no longer am angry about it though. I find wisdom through the pain I have seen and experienced and I'm thankful. (though I miss laughter)
*Before India, I was an extrovert and loved being around people. After being surrounded by people for 5 years, I have become an introvert who finds joy being alone.
I know there are so many more things to type but at the moment the boys have decided to ball up paper and throw the balls at each other's heads so I have to intervene before someone loses an eye!
*Before India, neither of us cooked. In fact, after realizing we HATED Indian food we had no means of survival! Our first few weeks we ate nothing but eggs and grilled cheese! Then a team came out with some amazing men who could cook and they taught us a few tricks. Now we cook all the time and really enjoy it! Never thought that would happen!
*Before India, I was "Miss Independent". (I still workout to all those power girl songs!) I was proud of the fact that I was not going to have kids and be a "stay at home mom". Then we got pregnant, and our first little man came into the world and turned mine upside down. After a couple of years of brokenness and fighting for Joy in this role that I never desired, I am different. I am thankful that the Lord is enough to change our hearts, our pride, and our purpose (not that my only purpose is raising the boys, but it is a purpose I find Joy in!)
*Before India, Levi and I lived a very busy and divided life. We spent lots of time doing what we as individuals enjoyed. (he would hunt and fish, I would hang out with friends and my family) Now we do all our fun things together and that is pretty awesome
*Before India, I had never really been afraid, I trusted everyone, I laughed all the time.This has changed for the worse, I suppose. I no longer am angry about it though. I find wisdom through the pain I have seen and experienced and I'm thankful. (though I miss laughter)
*Before India, I was an extrovert and loved being around people. After being surrounded by people for 5 years, I have become an introvert who finds joy being alone.
I know there are so many more things to type but at the moment the boys have decided to ball up paper and throw the balls at each other's heads so I have to intervene before someone loses an eye!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
What I learned through Dengue
I have had to watch my sweet 2 1/2 year old child go from a busy, fun, excited and silly little boy to a child who can't even stand on his own. Who lays all day and tells me how bad he is hurting. Who says, "mama, I just don't feel good" throughout the day and I feel as if my heart is breaking in two. When we have to get blood drawn and he prays that God will give him strength, my tears fight to remain inside my eyes and not come pouring down my face. When he looks at me and says, "I really hurt mommy," my whole body aches right along with him. When I see pain in his eyes, my whole body feels this pain too. I physically hurt with him. I can't eat, I don't want to sleep, I just feel as if my own body is broken right along side of his. This is Dengue and this has been our week. I have remained in a state of constant prayer for healing, for comfort, for peace, for grace, for mercy….I have remained in a constant state of connection with the Lord. I have remained….. because my child is sick and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Tonight as I tried to explain this to my husband who loves our boys equally, but who cannot completely understand this strange thing that connects a child and a mama….I went to bed in conversation with the Lord…What do you want to teach me? Have I learned it yet? And then I realized something... something I have wanted to understand for a long time… when I fast, I do it out of discipline but I have always wanted to do it out of brokenness for the lost…that my heart breaks so much I just can't stand the thought of eating…I've never been broken in this way…until now. The pain I witness is enough to cause hunger to be the last thing I think about or care about. I don't want to eat because my heart is broken. And now with total humility and brokenness I realize that I have never truly felt this way about the people I am here to share the Lord with, to give my life to. I have felt brokenness over the lost. I have felt sad, disheartened, and even brokenhearted…but never despair to the point where I had no desire for food. Oh, God forgive me!!!! Forgive my selfish heart, my sin. Forgive the fact that I don't have your heart. Lord, please heal MY broken heart and cause it to break for the things that matter the most…the souls of the millions who have never heard of your grace, your love, your glory.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
To the Ends of the Earth
Few can truly understand what the ends of the earth really look like. We hear that phrase a lot and probably have some sort of picture in our minds of what that may be....but there are many times where I truly believe I have experienced this first hand! In fact, we always say if there is a major terrorist attack where we live, we know places we could go and disappear for the rest of our lives! When we thought of coming overseas almost 5 years ago, we pictured ourselves in those areas. We were right! Though we don't live in these areas, we get to travel for weeks at a time into these areas and it never fails to take our breath away. That we have the opportunities to go across the world, then hrs. into the middle of no where to meet a family that has never heard or experienced the love of the Creator...it brings me to tears. No greater joy, no greater joy in all the world than to bring the love of the Giver of Life to those who had no idea that love even existed.
Monday, January 14, 2013
What a day in my life looks like
Well, this may be the #1 question I get while in America..."What does a day in your life look like?"
The truth is, the answer to this is always changing because my life is fluid...meaning it is NEVER the same. I enjoy a little structure here and there, so I try to set up some routine but we travel at least 10 days out of the month...so that makes life crazy...but while we are at home (we as in the boys and I) this is what my day looks like:
6am- everyone wakes up
6-8- diapers are changed, breakfast is eaten, the garbage guy comes by and asks for all our garbage, the newspaper guy comes and delivers our paper, and we play
8-10- Levi's office hours (if he is at home) This is when he goes into our bedroom and has time with the Lord and works on work stuff
8-9- we play in the play room
9-Tate goes to sleep and Wyatt and I do crafts, read books and sing new songs
10- Levi normally leaves to do what needs to be done and Rupa (my house helper) comes over and starts washing dishes and cleaning our floors (I know, biggest blessing of my life!) Wyatt and I play for another hour (sometimes this play involves laundry, cleaning the house, ect.) and most days our neighbors come over around this time
11-Tate wakes up and we all play with our neighbors, go outside, play in the playroom, ect.
12-we eat between 12 and 2
2-Nap time for Wyatt and Tate
4-Time to get outside and take a walk
6-we try to eat around this time, then we read books, sing songs, say our verses, and pray together before bed
7-Bedtime for both the boys!
7-9-my quiet time and office time
9-10 or 11- Levi and I get to hang out
Well, there you have it! This is an organized typical day of my life...What I can't write down is the daily unexpected visits where I drop all plans and serve a random guest, the long visits we have with shopkeepers on our daily walks where we sit, eat a snack and fellowship, the fact that we are NEVER alone as a family for a whole day...almost NEVER! ;)
I have always been one to really desire the unexpected, and living overseas meets that desire in EVERY way! I love the fact that my day never looks like the day before, that I plan my life out only to have it change every time, that I am always entertained by simple things such as taking walks because something random always happens! Although it can be frustrating, it is so beautiful and so much fun! I can't imagine leaving this life (the life we have known for 4 out of our 5 years of marriage) and returning to a life where there are very few variables. Perhaps it would be refreshing, but also a little boring! ;)
The truth is, the answer to this is always changing because my life is fluid...meaning it is NEVER the same. I enjoy a little structure here and there, so I try to set up some routine but we travel at least 10 days out of the month...so that makes life crazy...but while we are at home (we as in the boys and I) this is what my day looks like:
6am- everyone wakes up
6-8- diapers are changed, breakfast is eaten, the garbage guy comes by and asks for all our garbage, the newspaper guy comes and delivers our paper, and we play
8-10- Levi's office hours (if he is at home) This is when he goes into our bedroom and has time with the Lord and works on work stuff
8-9- we play in the play room
9-Tate goes to sleep and Wyatt and I do crafts, read books and sing new songs
10- Levi normally leaves to do what needs to be done and Rupa (my house helper) comes over and starts washing dishes and cleaning our floors (I know, biggest blessing of my life!) Wyatt and I play for another hour (sometimes this play involves laundry, cleaning the house, ect.) and most days our neighbors come over around this time
11-Tate wakes up and we all play with our neighbors, go outside, play in the playroom, ect.
12-we eat between 12 and 2
2-Nap time for Wyatt and Tate
4-Time to get outside and take a walk
6-we try to eat around this time, then we read books, sing songs, say our verses, and pray together before bed
7-Bedtime for both the boys!
7-9-my quiet time and office time
9-10 or 11- Levi and I get to hang out
Well, there you have it! This is an organized typical day of my life...What I can't write down is the daily unexpected visits where I drop all plans and serve a random guest, the long visits we have with shopkeepers on our daily walks where we sit, eat a snack and fellowship, the fact that we are NEVER alone as a family for a whole day...almost NEVER! ;)
I have always been one to really desire the unexpected, and living overseas meets that desire in EVERY way! I love the fact that my day never looks like the day before, that I plan my life out only to have it change every time, that I am always entertained by simple things such as taking walks because something random always happens! Although it can be frustrating, it is so beautiful and so much fun! I can't imagine leaving this life (the life we have known for 4 out of our 5 years of marriage) and returning to a life where there are very few variables. Perhaps it would be refreshing, but also a little boring! ;)
Friday, August 3, 2012
Change
Change...a word that describes my life all too well, almost day-to-day! Right now our "schedule" has been home a week (when I say "home" I am still referring to my friend's house in Meshobra that we are living in until a house in the area we want to live becomes open, which means we are still living out of boxes and will be until around October), and gone a week. We have been on great trips seeing new friends who plan on moving to our area in a year. Right now they are in language school so we are just trying to encourage them, ect.
Wyatt is so much fun these days and Indians spoil him rotten as always. He loves going to our friends' houses and never seems too uncomfortable. He eats at the table with a spoon and fork by himself, he tries to put on his clothes, he still loves ball and is now really into books and coloring, he loves his brother and can't get enough of him. We are almost over the bottle. He loves juice these days and can't get enough of it. He is a big helper and loves to "cook" with us. We let him sit on the counter with his mixing bowls full of random things like rice, flour, water, ect. and he has a ball. We have a routine at night where we read 2 books, the bible, then sing a silly song and a worship song, then pray and tell everyone goodnight. he likes to pray by himself. It brings tears to your eyes.
Tate is talking all the time (bah, bah, bah), sitting up, and laughing so much. He loves to be kissed! He still sleeps great and has two teeth on the bottom. I thought he was going to be my chilled baby but these days he is moving like crazy. We will see.
The Lord has been working and convicting my heart to live a life and teach my boys to live a life of giving. So today we are packing some of our cold weather clothes and taking them to some kids that really need them. How excessive we tend to be! My kids have 2 winter coats a piece while the kids down the road have thin shirts on that will hardly keep them warm. So Lord, forgive me for my greed and break my heart to meet needs around me. How dare I as a believer fail to take care of those the Lord created? May they understand a God who loves them so much more than I can.
Please continue to bear with us as we have internet that is similar to dial up at the moment! I am dying to post some new pictures, but it will take time. Love you all and thanks so much for keeping up!
Wyatt is so much fun these days and Indians spoil him rotten as always. He loves going to our friends' houses and never seems too uncomfortable. He eats at the table with a spoon and fork by himself, he tries to put on his clothes, he still loves ball and is now really into books and coloring, he loves his brother and can't get enough of him. We are almost over the bottle. He loves juice these days and can't get enough of it. He is a big helper and loves to "cook" with us. We let him sit on the counter with his mixing bowls full of random things like rice, flour, water, ect. and he has a ball. We have a routine at night where we read 2 books, the bible, then sing a silly song and a worship song, then pray and tell everyone goodnight. he likes to pray by himself. It brings tears to your eyes.
Tate is talking all the time (bah, bah, bah), sitting up, and laughing so much. He loves to be kissed! He still sleeps great and has two teeth on the bottom. I thought he was going to be my chilled baby but these days he is moving like crazy. We will see.
The Lord has been working and convicting my heart to live a life and teach my boys to live a life of giving. So today we are packing some of our cold weather clothes and taking them to some kids that really need them. How excessive we tend to be! My kids have 2 winter coats a piece while the kids down the road have thin shirts on that will hardly keep them warm. So Lord, forgive me for my greed and break my heart to meet needs around me. How dare I as a believer fail to take care of those the Lord created? May they understand a God who loves them so much more than I can.
Please continue to bear with us as we have internet that is similar to dial up at the moment! I am dying to post some new pictures, but it will take time. Love you all and thanks so much for keeping up!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
The great sadness
Well, it is almost that time again...after an amazing few months in the states, it is time for goodbyes. One month left and I can feel it in every conversation, every moment spent with others, every time I eat...my mind reminds me that it may be the last time for a while. I believe that feeling has a noun...the great sadness...I find myself holding back tears as I have conversations with others,trying to avoid the great sadness that is hanging in the reminder that we will soon be apart again and all hearts will be broken. When alone, I find myself in tears as I imagine the lives of Wyatt and Tate away from the places we call home. Today, as I was wrestling with this incredible sadness these sweet lyrics came to mind; "greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city". Whew! So I fell before the lord... Wyatt has a small a vocabulary but one word he has learned rather quickly is "ouch". It doesn't take much more than that one simple word for me to find the hurt and do my best to help. Well, today in my brokenness, all I could say is "ouch". And then I felt him gently remind me that obedience is better than sacrifice and that he is enough...He was, He is, and He will forever be. blessed be the name. So we have about four more weeks and people keep asking me how they can pray. I can't tell them without crying so I just give generic answers, but the truth is to pray for strength to survive and find His joy and peace during this time of incredible sadness. Perhaps many of you reading this see it as dramatic and think...Lindsey, no one has died...good grief. But I do feel as if something is dying...it is time. The mourning is for years that will pass and the memories that will be missed and the death of dreams that our families will be able to enjoy the sweet toddlers that we will be raising for the next few years. Is it worth it? No doubt. Is it hard? More than words. So please prAy for this time of mourning as our families and close friends wade through the great sadness that surrounds us all as we face goodbye once again.
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