There are so many times I wish I could paint a picture of life here. The smells of masala and curry that seep into my bedroom windows at 8am, 2pm, and 9pm at night. The noise of monkeys pounding on the tin roof, men yelling up and down the road that they have a new rug for me to buy or a new blanket to try, huge buses trying to squeeze up a road that is made for tiny cars and has no guard rails...the sights of beauty mixed with poverty...children who run around in the freezing cold with no shoes and women carrying babies on their back who are only wearing thin cotton outfits...
Overwhelming and after a few years one's body hits a protection mode of sorts and begins to become hardened to the noise, the smells, the sights of India. This is the only way to survive. So daily I have to go before the Father and ask for an examination of my heart....Do I still have compassion? Is my love still strong? Is Christ's love what shines through me or have I somehow lost his voice in the noise of life here? Do I still hear the whisper? Do I still want to?
We went home to America for Christmas and returned to a sweet place spiritually in our lives...a place of intimacy that we have struggled with for a while. We were in a place in our walks with the Lord where we just "didn't feel right". Levi's sweet place started in August when he just kept saying, "I feel the Lord speaking to me again." I was not there yet. My quiet times were still dry. I was reading the bible and applying every quiet time to my Indian sisters, my children, my neighbors...but never allowing God's word and God's spirit to penetrate the wall I was building around my heart. I started seeing this wall right before we left to go home.
As I said goodbye to one of my closest friends here who I did life with everyday, I realized that though I was in so much pain, my heart no longer hurt as goodbyes did my first year here. Goodbyes are so normal here...Every close friend I have had on this side of the world has left. Every one. I am from small town Mississippi where no one leaves and goodbyes are NOT normal for me so this is one area that affected me in deeper ways than I understood. I didn't see the walls I put up to protect myself from the hurt. I didn't see the wall I had put up in my walk with Christ. The feelings of pain, of hurt, of distrust...I was an empty well because of deep hurt and loneliness that I had covered for so long. I didn't have anyone to talk with about this. How can my family and my best friends in America understand such a life? So I just covered it and allowed it to hurt me deeper than I realized. After saying goodbye and realizing the hardness of heart, I started going before the Lord and pouring myself out. Years of hurt, of pain and issues came to the alter as walls began to fall. Healing...sweet healing is taking place...accompanied with a realization that this world is not my home, but my heart was created tender and that is where it must be for me to be whole. If my heart becomes too hard, I lose myself so I must depend on the Lord for healing every time...every time.
It is all about Him right? When we sit in that place of "something is just not right" in our walk with Christ, we must stop as soon as it happens...if not, years will past and so much time wasted without that intimate walk with the Lord. May our life be full because of Christ.
Our Family
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Friday, October 10, 2014
pets
I believe it is safe to say that animals are just a special part of our lives around here. We love them and the boys and I are always trying to "rescue" them off the street and the warden (Levi) makes us return them to the wild....this just happened with a kitten we got. Wyatt LOVED it and held it all day. He rocked it to sleep, he carried it everywhere he went, Tate put it in buckets, baskets, the bed, ect. Levi said it had to go home because we have to travel too much to care for 2 animals so we sadly said goodbye and Levi promised a new one when we came back from America in January. I grew up with more animals than I can count and I love the idea that the boys will have the joy of animals too.
Monday, July 14, 2014
Sweet Times
It has been over 5 years. Almost hard to believe. Wyatt is 3 1/2 and Tate 2 1/2. And we are living it up! I did enjoy the baby stage A LOT more than I thought I would, but our dreams for a future of camp outs, hiking as a family, and actually being able to hang out without having to worry about naps, ect. will soon come (in a couple more years)! We are able to see fruit we have been longing for. Levi is thriving and that always makes things a lot more fun! So today I wanted to just reflect...on all that He has done...How we have changed since we have been in India
*Before India, neither of us cooked. In fact, after realizing we HATED Indian food we had no means of survival! Our first few weeks we ate nothing but eggs and grilled cheese! Then a team came out with some amazing men who could cook and they taught us a few tricks. Now we cook all the time and really enjoy it! Never thought that would happen!
*Before India, I was "Miss Independent". (I still workout to all those power girl songs!) I was proud of the fact that I was not going to have kids and be a "stay at home mom". Then we got pregnant, and our first little man came into the world and turned mine upside down. After a couple of years of brokenness and fighting for Joy in this role that I never desired, I am different. I am thankful that the Lord is enough to change our hearts, our pride, and our purpose (not that my only purpose is raising the boys, but it is a purpose I find Joy in!)
*Before India, Levi and I lived a very busy and divided life. We spent lots of time doing what we as individuals enjoyed. (he would hunt and fish, I would hang out with friends and my family) Now we do all our fun things together and that is pretty awesome
*Before India, I had never really been afraid, I trusted everyone, I laughed all the time.This has changed for the worse, I suppose. I no longer am angry about it though. I find wisdom through the pain I have seen and experienced and I'm thankful. (though I miss laughter)
*Before India, I was an extrovert and loved being around people. After being surrounded by people for 5 years, I have become an introvert who finds joy being alone.
I know there are so many more things to type but at the moment the boys have decided to ball up paper and throw the balls at each other's heads so I have to intervene before someone loses an eye!
*Before India, neither of us cooked. In fact, after realizing we HATED Indian food we had no means of survival! Our first few weeks we ate nothing but eggs and grilled cheese! Then a team came out with some amazing men who could cook and they taught us a few tricks. Now we cook all the time and really enjoy it! Never thought that would happen!
*Before India, I was "Miss Independent". (I still workout to all those power girl songs!) I was proud of the fact that I was not going to have kids and be a "stay at home mom". Then we got pregnant, and our first little man came into the world and turned mine upside down. After a couple of years of brokenness and fighting for Joy in this role that I never desired, I am different. I am thankful that the Lord is enough to change our hearts, our pride, and our purpose (not that my only purpose is raising the boys, but it is a purpose I find Joy in!)
*Before India, Levi and I lived a very busy and divided life. We spent lots of time doing what we as individuals enjoyed. (he would hunt and fish, I would hang out with friends and my family) Now we do all our fun things together and that is pretty awesome
*Before India, I had never really been afraid, I trusted everyone, I laughed all the time.This has changed for the worse, I suppose. I no longer am angry about it though. I find wisdom through the pain I have seen and experienced and I'm thankful. (though I miss laughter)
*Before India, I was an extrovert and loved being around people. After being surrounded by people for 5 years, I have become an introvert who finds joy being alone.
I know there are so many more things to type but at the moment the boys have decided to ball up paper and throw the balls at each other's heads so I have to intervene before someone loses an eye!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
What I learned through Dengue
I have had to watch my sweet 2 1/2 year old child go from a busy, fun, excited and silly little boy to a child who can't even stand on his own. Who lays all day and tells me how bad he is hurting. Who says, "mama, I just don't feel good" throughout the day and I feel as if my heart is breaking in two. When we have to get blood drawn and he prays that God will give him strength, my tears fight to remain inside my eyes and not come pouring down my face. When he looks at me and says, "I really hurt mommy," my whole body aches right along with him. When I see pain in his eyes, my whole body feels this pain too. I physically hurt with him. I can't eat, I don't want to sleep, I just feel as if my own body is broken right along side of his. This is Dengue and this has been our week. I have remained in a state of constant prayer for healing, for comfort, for peace, for grace, for mercy….I have remained in a constant state of connection with the Lord. I have remained….. because my child is sick and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Tonight as I tried to explain this to my husband who loves our boys equally, but who cannot completely understand this strange thing that connects a child and a mama….I went to bed in conversation with the Lord…What do you want to teach me? Have I learned it yet? And then I realized something... something I have wanted to understand for a long time… when I fast, I do it out of discipline but I have always wanted to do it out of brokenness for the lost…that my heart breaks so much I just can't stand the thought of eating…I've never been broken in this way…until now. The pain I witness is enough to cause hunger to be the last thing I think about or care about. I don't want to eat because my heart is broken. And now with total humility and brokenness I realize that I have never truly felt this way about the people I am here to share the Lord with, to give my life to. I have felt brokenness over the lost. I have felt sad, disheartened, and even brokenhearted…but never despair to the point where I had no desire for food. Oh, God forgive me!!!! Forgive my selfish heart, my sin. Forgive the fact that I don't have your heart. Lord, please heal MY broken heart and cause it to break for the things that matter the most…the souls of the millions who have never heard of your grace, your love, your glory.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
To the Ends of the Earth
Few can truly understand what the ends of the earth really look like. We hear that phrase a lot and probably have some sort of picture in our minds of what that may be....but there are many times where I truly believe I have experienced this first hand! In fact, we always say if there is a major terrorist attack where we live, we know places we could go and disappear for the rest of our lives! When we thought of coming overseas almost 5 years ago, we pictured ourselves in those areas. We were right! Though we don't live in these areas, we get to travel for weeks at a time into these areas and it never fails to take our breath away. That we have the opportunities to go across the world, then hrs. into the middle of no where to meet a family that has never heard or experienced the love of the Creator...it brings me to tears. No greater joy, no greater joy in all the world than to bring the love of the Giver of Life to those who had no idea that love even existed.
Raising Kids Overseas
We came overseas alone. We knew we were called to be here and we had to be faithful to that. We didn't picture our life with kids. We didn't have any intentions on having kids any time soon so they really didn't play a factor in any decision we made. Now we have 2 precious little men in our lives with a passion for more and it takes me to a new reality: life looks a lot different now! Now I have to think about them in every way...so I've decided to write 10 ways life overseas looks so different with them.
1) Before kids, Levi and I were still seen as children ourselves. Now, we have respect and the ability to speak into way more situations than we ever did before. It is as if children gave us instant wisdom! (I honestly feel that children has taken 50% of my brain cells instead of adding to them!)
2) When we left for the village, we packed all of our needs for a MONTH in 2 backpacks. Now we are lucky to get out the door with 5 bags!
3) We struggled at times to get people to open their doors to meet us before kids. Everyone seemed very cautious. Now we walk into an area and have to fight off the mobs that surround us to meet our fair skinned, blue eyed, light haired kids!
4) Before kids, we could live out in the middle of no where for weeks and never feel a longing for home. Now, after 3 days of the kids waking up all night, getting eaten with misquitos, and having no space we are desperate to get home again!
5) I never thought about running out the door to pick up an item I needed to cook with. Now, it takes at least 15 minutes to get everyone dressed, shoes on, and get everyone on board to go for a walk. After getting the item, I have to hold it, hold a child, while holding hands with another one to make sure we all make it safe on our road back home. Overall, a trip that took less than 5 minutes now takes a good hour!
6) sleep...well, we all know how that has changed! ;)
7) Before kids, I wanted the airline that had the best movies for the 16 or more hr. flight back to the U.S. Now I look for the airline with the most patient stewardesses!
8) I was very good at language before kids. I feel that I have regressed leaps and bounds because I only think in simple phrases and words now.
9) Before kids, I never had to wrestle with the idea that being overseas could be selfish. Now I wrestle with it all the time. Just surrendering to the Lord all that I know my kids are missing out on and remembering what is most important.
10) Before kids, I had no idea what I was missing and no true desire for that lifestyle. Now our lives are fuller, richer, more complex and difficult at times, but worth every second of it. Having kids is so wildly amazing, so humbling and so challenging. It makes us more dependent on the L*rd and truly makes me so much better as a person.
I know there are so many more ways life looks different, but maybe they will come in another post! ;)
1) Before kids, Levi and I were still seen as children ourselves. Now, we have respect and the ability to speak into way more situations than we ever did before. It is as if children gave us instant wisdom! (I honestly feel that children has taken 50% of my brain cells instead of adding to them!)
2) When we left for the village, we packed all of our needs for a MONTH in 2 backpacks. Now we are lucky to get out the door with 5 bags!
3) We struggled at times to get people to open their doors to meet us before kids. Everyone seemed very cautious. Now we walk into an area and have to fight off the mobs that surround us to meet our fair skinned, blue eyed, light haired kids!
4) Before kids, we could live out in the middle of no where for weeks and never feel a longing for home. Now, after 3 days of the kids waking up all night, getting eaten with misquitos, and having no space we are desperate to get home again!
5) I never thought about running out the door to pick up an item I needed to cook with. Now, it takes at least 15 minutes to get everyone dressed, shoes on, and get everyone on board to go for a walk. After getting the item, I have to hold it, hold a child, while holding hands with another one to make sure we all make it safe on our road back home. Overall, a trip that took less than 5 minutes now takes a good hour!
6) sleep...well, we all know how that has changed! ;)
7) Before kids, I wanted the airline that had the best movies for the 16 or more hr. flight back to the U.S. Now I look for the airline with the most patient stewardesses!
8) I was very good at language before kids. I feel that I have regressed leaps and bounds because I only think in simple phrases and words now.
9) Before kids, I never had to wrestle with the idea that being overseas could be selfish. Now I wrestle with it all the time. Just surrendering to the Lord all that I know my kids are missing out on and remembering what is most important.
10) Before kids, I had no idea what I was missing and no true desire for that lifestyle. Now our lives are fuller, richer, more complex and difficult at times, but worth every second of it. Having kids is so wildly amazing, so humbling and so challenging. It makes us more dependent on the L*rd and truly makes me so much better as a person.
I know there are so many more ways life looks different, but maybe they will come in another post! ;)
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